GHOSTING ISN'T PROFESSIONAL

We've all heard of ghosting in dating, but increasingly it's happening in business, networking, collaborations, friendships, and community spaces too.

Someone reaches out. A conversation begins. Ideas are exchanged. Meetings take place. There seems to be genuine interest and momentum. Then... nothing.

No update. No explanation. No acknowledgement. Just silence.

For the person on the receiving end, the issue often isn't that an opportunity didn't work out. Most people understand that not every partnership, project, or connection is meant to progress. What hurts is being left without clarity.

Silence creates questions that only the other person can answer:

• Did I do something wrong?

• Have priorities changed?

• Are they no longer interested?

• Was the conversation genuine in the first place?

In the absence of communication, people are often left to fill in the gaps themselves.

If You've Been Ghosted
First, remember that a lack of response is not necessarily a reflection of your value, capability, or character.

People disappear for many reasons. Sometimes they're swamped. Sometimes they've changed direction. Sometimes they simply avoid uncomfortable conversations.

That doesn't make it acceptable, but it does mean their silence isn't always about you.

If appropriate, send a polite follow-up asking for clarity. Advocate for yourself. It's okay to communicate that the lack of response has been disappointing and to request an update.

Most importantly, don't carry unanswered questions forever. Seek closure where you can, but don't place your wellbeing in someone else's hands.

If You're the One Going Quiet
You don't owe everyone a lengthy explanation. You do, however, have an opportunity to communicate with honesty and respect. A simple message can make all the difference:

• "Thank you for your time. I've decided not to move forward."

• "My priorities have changed, so I won't be pursuing this."

• "I don't have capacity at the moment."

• "I appreciate the conversation, but this isn't the right fit."

These messages take less than a minute to send and provide something incredibly valuable: clarity.

Let's Do Better
As adults and professionals, we won't always agree, collaborate, or continue every conversation. But we can communicate.

A brief message may seem insignificant to the sender, yet it can spare the recipient days, weeks or even months of uncertainty. Respect isn't always about saying yes. Sometimes it's simply about responding.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

TOO CLOSE TO IGNORE

There’s a particular kind of sting that comes from reading something and thinking, Oh, wow! This sounds like me.

Not in the flattering, “this meme understands my genius” way. But in the quiet, revealing way. An article about people who are controlling and manipulative. A social media post about not showing up for your friends. A thread about emotional immaturity, avoidance, procrastination, and suddenly you’re not just reading — you’re recognising.

It’s unsettling because it’s true enough to land. 

Most of us enjoy feeling seen. But having a spotlight on the parts of us that still need work is another story. It can trigger defensiveness, shame or minimising.

That reaction is human though. Your brain is wired to protect your identity. When something challenges the story you tell yourself — I’m kind. I try my best. I’m not hurting anyone. — it can feel like a threat. But here’s the reframe: discomfort is often telling you something.

Not a verdict. Not a condemnation. Just information. Instead of pushing the feeling away, try asking:

• What exactly about this feels true?

• Where have I seen this show up in my life?

• Who might be affected by this behaviour?

Notice the tone of your inner voice. If it turns cruel — You always mess things up — that’s embarrassment talking. Shame freezes change. Responsibility fuels it. The goal isn’t self-punishment, it’s self-awareness. Recognition is step one, intention is step two.

Ask yourself:

• If I keep this pattern, what will my relationships look like in five years?

• If I work on this, what could be different?

Growth rarely feels dramatic. It looks like:

• Apologising without defensiveness.

• Seeking therapy, journaling, or honest feedback.

• Sending the vulnerable text instead of overthinking.

• Having the difficult conversation instead of ghosting.

• Choosing temporary discomfort instead of what feels comfortable.

It’s small, consistent acts that contradict the old ways. One of the most loving things you can do for yourself (and for others) is to allow something uncomfortable to positively change you.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

IF YOU FEEL FORGOTTEN

So many of us are quietly carrying the same weight - loneliness that lingers, the feeling of being forgotten, the slow drift from conversations we used to be part of.

It’s a painful cycle: a lot of people are too busy to notice, and the lonely gradually become too tired to speak. 

Understanding that you're not the only one in this season doesn't prevent you from feeling that way or stop loneliness from hurting. Even when surrounded by people you can still feel invisible, quietly wishing someone would ask twice instead of once - "how are you"?

What makes it harder is how little, if at all, we talk about it openly.

We talk about burnout, anxiety, being “busy.” But we rarely talk plainly about loneliness - especially the kind that stretches on for months, even years. Where you still show up, still smile, still reply - but feel unseen. The kind where you withdraw, not because you want to disappear, but because you’re tired of feeling like you already have.

The truth is, many people aren’t always intentionally neglectful - they’re sometimes genuinely busy, overwhelmed or just unsure how to help. They perhaps assume if you needed something, you’d tell them. They don’t notice the subtle retreat - or how long it’s been since they had quality time with you.

Meanwhile, the ones pulling back often feel guilty for it. They tell themselves they shouldn’t feel this way - that others have it worse. So they stay quiet. They wait to be noticed.

Human connection is vital, but you can’t make people rearrange their lives to include you. Maybe the shift begins with small things: reaching out instead of waiting, asking the deeper follow-up question, admitting honestly when we’re not okay.

We may be scattered, preoccupied, hesitant, but we are many. If we start speaking about our feelings truthfully, the silence won’t feel quite so loud. 

I'm not writing this from the outside. I know both sides well.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

ARE YOU BEHIND?

A lot of what we stay committed to isn’t always coming from a real place of desire. It often comes from a sense of obligation, or from the expectations we feel from the world around us. Over time, that pressure builds and starts to feel normal even when it isn't helping us.

Lowering the pressure in your life doesn’t mean you’re falling behind - it actually gives you the space to think more clearly and make better decisions.

If you step back and look honestly at your life, you might notice that some of your choices aren’t bringing you much joy - just stress or frustration. That’s usually a sign that something needs to shift. Not by forcing more effort, but by easing off and allowing yourself to realign with what actually matters to you.

The idea of “falling behind” is something we’ve learned from others. It’s based on timelines and expectations that don’t truly belong to us. In reality, life isn’t a race and there’s no fixed deadline. Things unfold at their own pace, and the pressure we feel is often something we’ve added ourselves.

Rushing tends to lead to stress and poor decisions, while moving at a steadier pace brings more clarity and a better overall experience. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’re failing - it often means you’re doing things properly, with more care and intention.

At the centre of all this is a simple truth: you matter. Your health, your mindset, your well-being - all of it matters just as much as anything you do for other people.

It’s worth asking yourself, every now and then, what you’ve done for your own mental and emotional well-being. Not out of selfishness, but out of necessity.

You’re not behind. There’s no handbook saying you must achieve certain things by a set time. So, take the opportunity to slow down, reassess, and make choices that feel honest and aligned with who you really are.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

PRIMARY SCHOOL TO CHAPTER 40

From childhood dreams to the realities of life in my 40s.

During a class in primary school the teacher asked us, "if you could have a superpower, what would it be"? I answered, "I could fix people and make them not be sick or sad". The teacher was Mrs Newman, she drew elephants on the board - her fave animal - and always held a smile even when cross. As young as I was - and I am literally sobbing as I type this - I remember wanting to be as cheery and as positive as Mrs Newman when I grew up. I wanted to be someone's reason for their smile, their laugh, their happiness, their hope...

Of course, there is so much to learn and I've had many failings, hurt people along the way and also let myself down too. Your childhood is mostly play. It’s also being screamed at by adults, frustrated by the innocent mistakes you make—whether while playing or trying to help with something that 'only grown-ups are meant to do'. 

Your teens are spent trying to be cool and fit in with people you don’t yet realise are unlikely to be at your side for the rest of your life (and who aren’t as cool as you think). Your twenties are an extension of your teens - you flit between wanting to remain nonchalant and the need to feel like you're a fully independent adult. 

Then, with much anticipation and some dread, you hit 30 and you feel a sudden shift. But the shift is BIG - it literally shakes you - you're 'forced' to step into adulthood and get your ish together so that, if successful, "life can officially begin at 40". 

Being in my 30s was WILD! I can remember what I did to celebrate (those details are not for the blog, LOL), but I can also recall how daunting that first year felt. I wasn’t quite ready to leave my 20s behind—there was unfinished business, a feeling of not wanting to grow up, and I still needed time to adjust. I definitely didn’t want any more responsibilities than I already had. 

My 20s had given me a well-paid job, my first home, a whole heap of bills, but also allowed me to stay a little footloose and fancy-free, so to speak. I was OUT, OUT - LOL!! Your girl was about the social scenes from East to North, real talk. But, my 30s required me to step up and get my ducks in a row.

What nobody prepares you for - ahead of turning 40, in a world driven by tech, social media preachers, high living costs, and increasingly busy lives - is that brief but intense moment when you don’t quite know who you are yet, while at the same time being so sure of who you are not.

And that’s why it's so important to get to know yourself in your thirties: that chapter offers the space to explore who you are outside of anyone else’s expectations. It’s a decade where you can cherish friendships that feel like home, pursue passions that light you up, and trust the quiet instincts that have been whispering to you all along. 

You don’t need a romantic partner, a promotion, or society’s checklist to validate your worth. What matters is the small, brave choices you make every day to honor your own path, your own values, and your own joy.

By the time 40 rolls around, all those lessons, missteps, and little wins start to make sense—you begin to step into life on your own terms.

So give yourself permission to wander a little, to say no without guilt, to prioritise what feeds your soul over what you think will impress others. Listen to yourself more than the world’s noise, and remember that life isn’t about catching up—it’s about showing up for yourself. You might just find that in embracing your own journey fully, you become exactly the kind of person others can’t help but admire and feel inspired by—just like Mrs. Newman.

                              Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

TRY LIVING ALONE FIRST

There’s something quite special about having your own place. Not your partner’s home, where half your wardrobe slowly migrates every time you visit. Not a house share, where the fridge feels like a social experiment. I mean your name on the tenancy, your sofa, your cups and plates, your slightly questionable life choices, LOL… all yours. 

Before you move in with someone I’d suggest living alone first. A year, properly. Not because it’s superior; it just teaches you things you can’t learn any other way. There’s an unlearning and then a gentle becoming you can’t quite experience with somebody under your feet and them under yours, no matter how “cute” and “exciting” it seems at first.

Living alone shows you who you really are. Your rhythms. Your habits. Whether you love silence or need background noise. Whether you’re tidy, chaotic, social, or solitary. There’s no one to perform for, no one to adjust around. Just you.

At first it can feel loud in its quiet. But then something shifts. You learn to sit with yourself after a long day instead of reaching for company. To comfort and regulate yourself. To handle the bills, the 2am noises, bin day. You become capable. Steady. Proud of your independence. You start to value the freedom to switch off or take space without asking.

Also, and this is important, you date differently when you love going home to your own place. You don’t tolerate nonsense just to avoid being alone. You start asking, “Does the person I’m dating align with who I’m becoming? If I lived with them, would they add to my peace or drain it?” The truth alone can save you years.

Living alone isn’t a rule or a test you must pass before true love. Just a season that sharpens and softens you at the same time. You develop a relationship with yourself first so when you eventually choose to live with someone, it’s not because you don’t know who you are — it’s because you do. Game changer!

If you’re in it now, lean in. Buy the rug. Have a solo rave. Enjoy building a life that’s fully yours - one that doesn't depend on someone else.

You’re not behind. You’re bravely learning how to stand on your own two feet before deciding to live with someone, and that’s powerful.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

WHEN LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH

This post is inspired by an overheard conversation between a couple who, at the end of their discussion, decided "love just isn't enough" and ended their relationship. It was very sad.

Someone can love you deeply and still not choose you.

Not because the emotions weren’t real. Not because they didn’t feel it. But because loving you made them aware of the gap between who they are and who they believe they should be. Reminding them how far they think they still need to go — so they walk away, feeling incapable of standing beside the life you represent.

They see how you carry yourself. The way you move with purpose. How you handle your life. Instead of feeling inspired, they feel exposed. Like standing next to you highlights the parts of them that feel unfinished. Not broken. Just… not where they hoped to be by now.

That type of awareness can be loud and deeply uncomfortable.

Being with you might feel like stepping into a life that asks more of them — more responsibility, more growth, more depth. Even if you never asked for any of it. Even if all you wanted was to build side by side. In their mind, though, it might feel like pressure. Like they have to become a different version of themselves just to keep up.

So they drift toward what feels easy. Someone in the same season. The same pace. The same comfort zone, etc. With that person, there’s less fear of disappointing them. Less of that quiet voice whispering, “You’re behind.” It’s easier to relax when you don’t feel stretched — even if the stretching may have shaped you in the ways you want.

From the outside, it can look confusing. Why walk away from something meaningful? But love doesn’t automatically create capacity. Sometimes it simply shines a light on doubts that were already there.

So they perhaps choose comfort over growth. Not because their heart wasn’t involved, but because it was, and loving you felt like standing at the edge of something more than they felt equipped to carry at the time. 

Sometimes it’s not about who they want. It’s about who they feel capable of being.

For those navigating heartbreak: You have always been enough at every stage of your life. Not being chosen was never about you personally.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

The image above was generated by A.I. Any resemblance of the male to real persons, living or dead, 

is purely coincidental and not intended to depict any specific individual.

GOD > LUCK

Growing up, luck felt real....

You might find money on the ground while playing outside. A parent might unexpectedly say “yes” when you were sure the answer would be “no.” A mock exam you’d been warned about might suddenly be cancelled, buying you more time. Moments like that made it easy to ask, “How lucky am I?”

But with age, wisdom, and experience, something shifts. You begin to see that luck, as we often define it, isn’t really what’s at work. More often than not, outcomes are shaped by effort, persistence, and showing up wholeheartedly. Even without perfect planning or preparation, when you give your best, something good - sometimes something great - tends to follow.

In my opinion, faith, hope, and prayer, paired with consistency and diligence, are what lead us toward the wins we long for. Luck is often just perception. God is the foundation beneath it all. No one can prove God’s existence outright, yet nearly everything around us quietly points toward Him.

God is a friend. God is reassurance. God is deliverance. God is strength. God is power. Luck lives in the mind; God is felt in the soul. One of my favorite bible verses, Matthew 19:26, reminds us: “With God all things are possible.”

Whatever season you’re in - whether full of happiness or facing challenges - you can turn to God in prayer. Speak honestly. Share the help you need, the burdens you’re carrying, the gratitude you feel, and the joy you’re holding. God’s response may not come instantly, but it often unfolds in ways you recognise days, weeks, or even months later.

There’s nothing wrong with believing in luck; at its core, it’s still an expression of hope. But God offers something deeper: steady comfort, faithful presence, and a place to surrender what weighs you down.

Whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, take a moment to sit with God. Pray. Talk as you would to a trusted friend—openly, freely, without filters. Allow yourself to be honest and, in that quiet space, let God show you why luck can never compare.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

A SUBTLE RED FLAG!

Unfortunately, at some point in your working life, you’ll probably encounter (or perhaps have already encountered) people who treat you poorly simply because of who they believe themselves to be—propped up by their job title, career status or social position.

Far too many expect you to dance to their tune, bend your schedule around theirs, and sacrifice your priorities to accommodate their lifestyle, timeline, or ego. If you don’t? They’ll likely drop you without a second thought—offering hollow promises of “catching up soon,” which, let’s be honest, rarely happen. Even if they do resurface, it often leaves a bitter taste. You can’t shake the sense that their renewed interest has less to do with valuing you and more to do with their pool of options at the time of them reaching out.

I’ve never quite understood those who act as though their time and commitments are sacred while expecting others to be endlessly flexible. For some of us—those not considered “high status” or particularly influential in our field—it’s disheartening to see how easily we’re dismissed, as if our worth only exists when the so-called elites find a use for us.

The real challenge is staying composed, exercising restraint, and keeping your composure. There’s no need for drama—you don’t want to burn a bridge that might still serve a purpose someday, trust me! It’s tempting to give someone like that a verbal dressing down, but the smarter move is to thank them politely for their time and move on. They’ve actually done you a favour by revealing their true colours. Now you hold the power to decide if, or how, you’ll ever engage with them again.

In recent years, we’ve watched countless high-profile figures across industries exposed for their appalling treatment of junior staff, young people, and anyone deemed “beneath” them. Eventually, masks are unveiled and karma is delivered. Always act with good intentions, so you protect your dignity and self-worth in situations where someone may try to manipulate their connection to you for personal gain. Also, remember that you can choose to say "no" and/or walk away from anything or anyone that causes you to feel self-doubt.

Do not be disheartened by those who mistreat you - see the positives and stay on your path.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

MEN ARE NOT COMPLICATED.

Hold your horses! “Let me land!” as da yout dem seh! Ha-ha…

Okay, so I’m speaking directly to those who date men romantically - mostly straight women, being that’s me too - and I’m sharing this after an encounter that reminded me of a thought I’ve been pondering: men are not complicated. Or… are they?

From what I’ve observed, many men seem to choose and stay in relationships based more on emotional ease and timing than on validation, ego, or status. They often gravitate toward dynamics that feel safe, low-pressure, and comfortable for who they are at that particular stage in life. Of course, this might look different for different personalities - some may lean toward avoidant attachment styles, while others might approach connection differently.

Some women I’ve seen (and perhaps some of us have done this ourselves) adopt a kind of performative helplessness or submissiveness in relationships, often in the hope of drawing a partner back. In my experience, this rarely creates lasting fulfillment, because relationships built on performance alone rarely last. Men, like anyone, stay in relationships by choice - they respond to authenticity, not just need.

For women who don’t naturally adopt performative dependence, even while embracing their femininity, the experience can feel different. These women may deeply want romance and long-term commitment, but “playing princess” doesn’t come naturally, and that can leave them in a state of uncertainty or waiting longer for the kind of partnership that truly fits them.

So, the question arises: can a relationship last when one or both partners are performing, compromising, or concealing parts of themselves? Or is lasting connection only possible when both show up authentically?

We all have standards, boundaries, and non-negotiables. None are right or wrong - they’re just different from person to person.

From what I’ve seen, many men who are wrestling with internal conflict - torn between who they are and who they want to be - tend to feel more comfortable with partners who don’t push them far outside their comfort zones. Even when a woman is willing to encourage, support, and challenge them in meaningful ways - whether spiritually, emotionally, or practically - they sometimes choose the “simple” option. This isn’t about lack of love; it’s often about safety, timing, and how ready someone is to be vulnerable. Many men quietly long to be truly seen and supported, without feeling diminished or judged.

Here’s the twist: communication can change everything. When men are given space, time, and attentive listening, they often open up. No interruptions, judgment, or passive nodding - just genuine curiosity and presence. The right kind of dialogue can create the safety and trust necessary for both partners to grow together.

I want to be clear - I’m not saying men or women are “the problem.” Relationships are complicated, yes, but often it’s less about being inherently complicated and more about a lack of open, authentic conversation. Love alone doesn’t always guarantee loyalty or lasting connection; emotional understanding and alignment are key.

Not all men fit these patterns. Many do the work to grow, heal, and cultivate self-awareness. But for those still figuring it out, relationships can feel like a constant push-and-pull between comfort and growth.

What do you think? Have you observed something similar, or completely different? DM me via Instagram! I’d love to hear your perspective.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

The image above was generated by A.I. Any resemblance of the male to real persons, living or dead, 

is purely coincidental and not intended to depict any specific individual.

LIVING WITHOUT THE MASK

Can you relate?

Many of us have believed, or still believe, that feeling deeply is a sign of weakness - that acknowledging our truth somehow means we’re failing. In reality, sitting with your emotions is a form of release - free from guilt or the fear that they’ll trip you up later.

In the same way you do not need to parade your private life/personal business all over social media, you don’t have to announce your feelings to the world unless it’s truly necessary. You don’t have to talk them through with others, either, unless you’re struggling to make sense of them or want to offload. But you also don’t need to deny yourself the truth—living authentically matters. Freedom lives on the other side of honesty - I learned that the hard way.

In my twenties, like many girls in that age-group, I wore a mask every time I was faced with difficult or conflicting emotions. I’d be hurt but act unbothered. I’d feel sad but project happiness. I’d feel let down and pretend I didn’t care. The internal tug of war was intense and exhausting. The emotional and mental energy it took to maintain that façade wore me down. I was losing myself, losing people I cared about, and ultimately walking straight into the failure I was trying to avoid. Although not easy, I set about making significant changes once I entered my 30s. I had to if I wanted better for myself and for those who were still rocking with me. I'm now age 45 (at the time this article was written) and finally understand the meaning of the saying, "the truth will set you free".

I lead with authenticity, no matter what! I do so responsibly and respectfully, but always with complete honesty about where I am emotionally, even if it risks the end of a relationship or connection. I’d rather face a loss rooted in truth than have something or someone stay in my life because I was pretending. Accepting who you are at every stage of life is what makes true growth and healing possible.

It isn’t easy - being real with yourself about who you are and how you feel in every moment can be incredibly difficult, especially in the midst of conflict or challenges with others. But there is no greater reward than freeing yourself from the chains of living a lie!

Over the coming days and weeks, give yourself a reality check. What or whom are you falsely connected to and why? Did it begin with feeling pressure? Was it about a selfish gain? Fear maybe? How is wearing the mask working out for you? Equally, who or what did you let go without first exploring and working through the issues that were negatively impacting you? Get real with yourself and with them. The life you genuinely want will begin once you start walking in your truth. 

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk, founder of @theindustrytea_

A MERRY SINGLE CHRISTMAS

How the festive holiday unfolds in my home...

My Christmas tree stands proudly in the corner of my apartment—tall but slightly lopsided, and decorated with a mix of ornaments and emotional growth. There is no partner to untangle the lights with or to debate whether “Gremlins” counts as a Christmas movie. (It does. End of discussion. Lol.) Just me, a festive mug of hot chocolate, and the realisation that I enjoy spending the festive holiday solo. I always have...

When you’re single at Christmas, some people tend to treat you like you’ve come down with a mild case of the flu—lots of sympathy, a few awkward looks, and the occasional “You’ll find someone soon.” But here’s what they don’t realise: being single doesn’t mean being lonely. In fact, it is wonderfully peaceful and stress/pressure-free. No in-laws, no compulsory matching pyjamas, and no need to pretend to like your partner’s aunt’s raisin-infested fruitcake.

Instead, I set my own traditions. I watch whatever Christmas movies I want (sometimes all of them), might order a takeaway (or two) on Christmas Eve, and have fun opening presents. Mostly the ones to myself! There’s something deeply satisfying about buying yourself the gifts you actually want (well in advance so you have a chance to forget what you bought) and then being genuinely excited to open them.

Of course, there are moments when the absence of physical presence hits. When you scroll through endless couple/family photos (shared to Instagram) of them in matching sweaters and wonder if you’re missing something. But that’s when I remind myself: love isn’t seasonal; it isn’t limited to romance (and not everything we see online is an authentic representation of what is happening in real life). I’ve learned to pour that energy back into myself—long walks, spontaneous trips, solo dates, and cosy nights with no one to impress or 'perform' for. I maintain my standards and keep up appearances for myself not for anybody else.

This Christmas, I am reminded that independence can sparkle just as brightly as tinsel. Self-respect looks good under fairy lights and joy—real, grounded joy—comes from knowing that my happiness isn’t on layaway until someone else shows up. I choose to be happy daily (even on the heavy days).

So here’s to another Merry, Single Christmas. Not the kind filled with loneliness, but the kind filled with joy, special hot drinks, a little food indulgence, my favourite festive movies and the quiet confidence of a woman who has learned that she has always been enough.

Merry Christmas, and God bless.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

LOVED BUT CHEATED ON

I was inspired to write this article since hearing countless stories — mostly from women — and devastating experiences of my own that I have long overcome.


Beautiful faces are everywhere; beautiful hearts are rare. You can love someone and still cheat, because lust and excitement often override loyalty. People will leave real love for something fleeting, only to be left with ashes.

I was 23 — independent, determined, quietly sad yet thriving in my job. He was 19 — ambitious, charming, affectionate, and family-oriented. We met at my then workplace and were instantly drawn to each other. After exchanging numbers, we became inseparable and quickly moved in together. Life felt effortless: shared chores, constant laughter, aligned values. I was truly happy and, for the first (and last) time in my life, I considered having children (which says everything!).

I’d previously sworn off men after an abusive relationship, but with Age 19 I felt safe again — until, one year in, things changed. He became distant, secretive, more influenced by his friends, and openly welcomed innapropriate behaviour from/with other girls. Eventually, he cheated with someone he had no intention of committing to — it was simply an easy escape from facing me to end our three year relationship respectfully, at which point I was 26 and he was 22.

There had been arguments, sure, but nothing that justified betrayal. The girl he cheated with pursued him purely because she could, and he followed the crowd instead of his conscience. Weakness is dangerous — in men, women, everyone. Strong people resist temptation; weak people crumble to it.

Despite everything, I handled his betrayal with more strength than I’d had in the past. I loved this boy deeply and his character gave no indication that he would ever do such a thing. I was beyond angry and conflicted between the hurt and love but, after much back and forth, arguments, etc., I said what I needed to say (albeit not pleasant to deliver, nor for him to hear/receive) and walked away. He wasn’t a bad person, just young, inexperienced and easily influenced; however he left me utterly broken! My health suffered, I withdrew from life, and rebuilding myself took some time.

Four years later, my next relationship lasted five years but lacked emotional depth. He had insecurities he refused to face which subsequently caused him to allow his ex to disrupt our relationship but for her own selfish reasons - he later learned that she didn't want him, she used him to make another man jealous. WILD! 

I had warned him, suspecting that she wasn't being genuine. Woman to woman, we always know; we can see/sense what men don't. But, he chose to follow the beat of his penis instead of the beat of his heart. How do you tell someone, "I love you but I think I want to be with someone else?". Someone you don't love! Lust is something else!! So too is plain foolishness! Ultimately, he did me a favour.

I forgave him and let it go with the end of the relationship. Forgiveness comes easily to me, but forgiving myself took longer. I began to realise that I had been ignoring my instincts because I didn’t know my worth — a wound left by the abusive ex. I held on to 'relationships' (including certain 'friendships') already in the bin because I wanted forever. 

Age 19 did love me, but love isn’t enough without maturity, effective communication, and honesty. Cheating destroys the foundation — once you take your body to the community, respect and trust are gone!! The devastated partner can get over the disrespect but trusting you again is unlikely.

Even now, after more disappointing experiences, that particular relationship stays with me. I haven’t loved anyone the same way since, and I haven’t felt as safe or desired as I did with/by him at the start. I’ve been single for many years now and, honestly, I feel done with men (romantically). Their mere existence can feel like a threat, and dating today is just disappointment after disappointment! Most men I've met in recent years have either been taken, confused, not truly happy with themselves so out in the streets causing mayhem and knowingly breaking hearts, or they are emotionally unavailable, or simply not grown enough to match/align with the life I’ve built.

If you haven't previously done so, once you hit age 30, you must take responsibility for who you are and what you bring into someone else’s life. Don’t destroy people because you refuse to sort out your insecurities. Don’t lie your way into comfort and call it love while also wearing a mask to hide your 'ugly' truth.

If you cannot sit confidently and have an honest conversation about who you truly are, you’re not ready for romance, SEX, or even true friendship. Stay single and celibate until you fix the broken parts of yourself. People deserve to know your truth before they give you their energy, heart and body!!!

No more games after 30. Hurt people hurt people, but healed people can heal. Stop dragging chaos into someone's life because you’re afraid to confront your issues. We all know what being loyal looks like; stop pretending you don’t! - FYI: It isn't limited to not having sex outside of your relationship. 

Work on yourself; learn self-love and responsibility so you can live authentically and take accountability for when your choices/behaviour impacts others. Without that, you’re only going to end up repeatedly hurting people.

I said what I said.

Written by Charley Jai - @charleyjaiuk

(Age 45 at the time this article was published)

CONSCIOUS NOT HEALTHY

As a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know that being diagnosed with fibroids many years ago prompted me to take a long, hard look at my life and make some major changes.

After researching the condition, countless conversations with consultants, numerous scans, and serious consideration of surgical options, I decided to pursue a more holistic path — though I remain on the NHS waiting list for yet another opinion.

It may sound cliché, but incorporating daily exercise and mindful eating has genuinely improved my quality of life, even while the benign tumours continue to make their presence known in my abdomen.

I don’t diet. I don’t weigh myself (in fact, I don’t even own a set of scales), and I wouldn’t claim to be a model of perfect nutrition. Instead, I focus on making better choices — avoiding foods and drinks that trigger pain or inflammation (as much as humanly possible, lol) and committing to daily movement. High levels of stress was also a contributing factor! My routine includes weight training, bodyweight workouts, stretching, and walking. Although I’ve gone down a dress size (which was never the goal), I feel stronger, fitter, and more at ease in my body.

My aim was simple: to improve mobility and to free myself from the excruciating pain. Thank God, I have achieved that.

There’s endless advice out there on how to live well, eat better, or choose the “right” exercise. But honestly, I think it all comes down to listening to your body. I started by paying close attention to how different foods affected my gut (and my mind). Combined with what I learned about fibroids, this awareness helped me identify and remove the things that weren’t serving me. Pairing these changes with regular exercise has made a world of difference. No gym membership, no personal trainer — those didn’t work for me — just a solid commitment to myself and a strong determination to live better than before.

It hasn't been easy (I still battle the occasional mobility challenge and issues with inflammation) however, I am motivated by a desire to maintain what I have achieved for myself. I’m no longer suffering from/with fibroids; I’m fighting them — and most days, I win!

I hope this article inspires you to make the necessary changes you have perhaps been avoiding, especially if you’re navigating something similar.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

DON'T HURT YOUR NEIGHBOUR

Many of the struggles we face with others aren’t actually about us, even though it can feel that way when their negative behavior impacts us or seems aimed at us...

Between February 2007 and April 2022, I had some of the most difficult and disruptive neighbours!

I lived on the first floor of a two-story building with seven flats. Mine was at the far right corner, at the top of the stairs. The location gave it a cozy, safe feel. For about three weeks after I moved in, everything was peaceful then the chaos began.

The flat next door seemed to be a revolving door for people in difficult situations. One tenant had a dog and would place food on the landing for it to eat—no bowl, just food on the concrete floor. This led to a terrible smell and an infestation of insects (thankfully, they stayed outside). Another person who lived in that flat was a young man who, unfortunately, had mental health challenges. He would often scream for hours or bang his head against the front door. I couldn’t help but think, “He really shouldn’t be living alone.”

Next to the revolving-door flat was a man struggling with drug addiction. His downward spiral began after he lost custody of his children and was denied supervised visits. Unable to handle the separation, he started inviting strangers—people with easy access to drugs and alcohol—into his flat, where they’d hang out, drink, and indulge in all kinds of bad behavior, day and night. There were so many arguments, fights, smashed bottles found on the landing, and often the loudest music you could imagine! He once accepted a delivery for me (despite my instructions stating that no parcels can be left with any of the neighbours) but denied that he had. He later came clean with an apology. I wasn't angry, I just felt sad for him.

To the left of this guy was a short, middle-aged man who lived alone and had beady eyes that would watch me/stare whenever I was outside, e.g. when I was cleaning my windows. He did the same to an elder woman who lived next door to him. He’d watch us coming and going, and sometimes even follow us (separately) around the neighborhood. Eventually, I had enough and confronted him in the most calm but stern voice I could manage. I made it clear that I wasn’t the person to mess with and, if he didn’t stop his odd behavior, I’d film him and report him to the police. After that, he seemed to settle for just watching us from his windows, which was still unsettling but at least less intrusive.

The elder woman was quiet, always smiling when we crossed paths, and we’d chat about her frustrations with the other neighbors (she and I still occasionally cross paths and have a catch up). One neighbour in particular, another man (who used a walking stick) living to her left, was considered to be a 'pimp' and 'drug dealer'. Girls, some looking as young as 15 and others in their twenties, were frequently coming and going from his place. He also had other regular visitors—middle-aged men and women. Then, a woman who appeared to be around 80 years old (though she claimed to be in her late 40s, which could have been true with heavy drug and alcohol use the reason for premature aging) moved in and things quickly went downhill. She and the 'pimp' would have explosive arguments on the landing, sometimes violent - she’d grab things, like chairs, to hit him with. He’d defend himself with his walking stick however he always came off worse. 

I once found the 'pimp' unconscious on the landing outside the revolving-door flat. He wasn’t breathing. Without thinking, I quickly took a photo (not sure why I did that), which I still have, then called the police. It turned out he had just passed out. Several months later, I was stunned to find blood spats on the stairs one day as I was heading out. There were also two used condoms. I knocked on the door of the downstairs flat to check if they knew what had occurred. The person who came to the door told me that two young girls had been 'attacked'. This person claimed the girls were found huddled together (a few days prior), quietly crying. When asked, “What’s wrong, girls?”, they told of the 'attack'. Apparently, they also admitted they didn’t want to report it because they were scared of getting into trouble for their own drug use. I cannot articulate the feelings I held for a long time after learning of this... I never learned if the story was entirely true, who the girls were, etc. I was never afraid nor worried, just angry that (if true) the vile humans responsible had likely got away with hurting those young girls!

I’ll spare you the full details about the guy who lived below me in a modified flat. However, his shower made a thunderous chugging sound—only way I can describe it—that he’d use every few hours, day and night! It was absolutely WILD. I later found out through the council that his bathroom had been redesigned. Although they knew the job had been done poorly, they told me "no further repairs would be made." I was sleep deprived and without any relief for three and half years!

I filed countless complaints with the council, but they fell on deaf ears. Staff came and went, a noise recording machine was 'installed', I submitted evidence, exchanged countless emails, and was constantly told, "Nothing can be done," or that I "should consider moving to a different borough." As if difficult people aren't everywhere and to find a (new) home is easy—ridiculous, right? "No!" I thought, refusing to back down. "I like where I live, but not how I’m living. The council has a duty of care, and I will keep fighting for myself." Eventually, my persistence paid off!

Living at that flat from age 26 to 41 was tough, to say the least, but it’s where I learned so much. It’s also where my resilience really grew, and I started to understand just how important it is to take a breath before reacting to anything. 

In April 2022, I was blessed with a new home. It needed a lot of work, and I didn’t move in until May. It’s a spacious 1-bedroom apartment with its own private steps, and I absolutely love it. I put in a ton of effort to transform it from what looked like an abandoned squat into a comfy, zen-style home for myself. But just two months in, the family of four living above me (in a 1-bedroom!) became a nightmare. Had my previous experience been preparation for this? I was stunned to be going through a similar devastation again. The family stomped around, dropped heavy objects on the floors, slammed their doors and more. I approached them calmly and respectfully at least five times, but it didn’t make a difference. Their flat was cluttered, held a terrible odour, had mould and a lot of damage. I realised their behavior wasn’t about me. They wanted out and had asked for help but were turned away. I began recording their constant noise disturbance and reported them. After two years of my persistent complaints, they were finally moved out. Then a young girl moved in and I prayed for her to be a good neighbour! If not, music will be my escape...

Council tenants often get a bad reputation, but the real issue isn’t about the people who live in these properties. It’s more about the neglect from council staff, who too often hide behind policies that seem to prioritize them as landlords rather than ensuring the protection, safety, and proper care of the tenants.

Unfortunately, many people can relate to the housing experiences I’ve shared. There are some truly awful individuals who aim to cause harm, and others whose actions stem from their own struggles. These situations can take a toll on our health, finances, and relationships. However, it’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond. Striving to promote peace within ourselves and our homes can make all the difference. When necessary, gathering evidence and filing a formal complaint with the right people can help not only us but also the troublesome neighbours, leading to a better living environment for everyone.

A little care and consideration, even when you're frustrated by someone else’s bad behavior towards you, can make a big difference—for both them and you. Do what you need to do, within reason, to safeguard yourself and to protect your peace, but never to retaliate.

You shall not take vegeance or bear a grudge, but you shall 

love your neighbour as yourself 

- Leviticus 19:18

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

REFLECTING ON THE TRAGEDY OF JOYCE VINCENT

December 2023, Joyce Carol Vincent was found dead and alone in her West London bedsit flat. She had been dead for over 2 years, her television was still playing and the heating was on. According to research, despite her four older sisters apparently hiring a private investigator to find her with no results, it would be debt and arrears that would inevitably lead to her grim discovery.

Research also gives an account of a vivacious woman with a personality many would gravitate towards. Supposedly at the time of her death she had an on/off boyfriend, associates, and she had occasionally been in contact with former colleagues. 

How is it that a friendly, sociable woman living in a busy part of London can die and remain undiscovered for more than two years? How? Why did it not occur to just one person that something might be seriously wrong? Any search for her, or an attempt to reach her, should have been ongoing in my opinion.

Joyce's story resonated with me due to similarities to my own life. In December 2006, age 26, I was single and living alone in a bedsit. Although I began a new relationship at 31, it did not last. Years later, celebrating my 38th birthday in Marrakech with a childhood friend, I never anticipated returning to the UK and watching that friendship fade, along with others, as I outgrew those going in different directions.

Age 44, single, with a small circle of friends, a new home and thriving in unexpected ways, I read Joyce Vincent's story and wondered, "Could this happen to me?". The answer is yes. It could happen to any of us... Despite numerous ways for people to stay in touch, many only reach out when they need something. How often do you check in on others just to see how they're doing, rather than out of necessity? We can become so absorbed in our own lives that we forget to check on those around us.

I think some people see me as a well-connected woman with plenty of social options, therefore assuming I’m always okay and don’t need anyone to check in. That mindset is why I, or anybody for that matter, could easily become a modern-day Joyce Vincent. I'm thankful for the close friends who do communicate regularly to make sure everything with me is okay, and vice-versa.

You cannot control whether someone does or doesn't love you, nor their capacity to show that love. However, you can express your needs honestly. Even after those conversations, though, change can't be forced. Unfortunately, any of us - especially those who are alone - could pass away without anyone noticing and that is a deeply sad reality.

Make it a priority to routinely and meaningfully connect with the people you truly care about. You can't give someone their "flowers" once they're gone! Equally, ensure you have boundaries in place to protect yourself from those who cause you harm without shutting out the ones with whom you have a beautiful connection and bond.

I first learned about Joyce Carol Vincent some years ago. I had read: She was an effervescent force of nature - but no one knew her. None of the many men in her life knew she had died. One friend said: "She died of neglect. We all loved her, but not enough to stop her dying."

That may be the most unsettling part of her story. It isn't simply about loneliness. It's about how someone can appear socially successful - attractive, charismatic, invited to parties, in relationships - and yet have no single person who notices when they stop answering the phone. It's a stark reminder that the quantity of relationships and the depth of relationships are very different things.

I will never understand how somebody's absence can go unnoticed. Never.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

PRIORITISE YOURSELF AND FIND PEACE

With the aim of living a happy and peaceful life, I now prefer to keep to myself. There are too many people with hidden agendas, questionable motives, and behaviours that make it difficult to trust their intentions or believe they're genuinely in my life for wholesome reasons.

Although some believe being alone automatically equals loneliness, I've found the opposite to be true for me. Throughout my teens and into my early thirties, I often felt lonely, overlooked, excluded and uneasy, despite being surrounded by 'friends' and people. In reality, it was noise, chaos, repeated let-downs, deliberate conflict, obligations born from misplaced loyalties, and holes in my pockets. Not exactly a recipe for peace.

Walking away from people whose behaviour is narcissistic and harmful has been incredibly empowering. Likewise, by choosing to decline work that I know would drain me mentally and emotionally, regardless of the pay, I've nurtured a much calmer nervous system. Now that I'm in my 40s, I feel more content, healthier, and far more aligned with myself. And choosing to remain single and abstinent, while focusing on self-love, personal development and my career goals, has also allowed me to strengthen my relationship with myself and reassess the boundaries I set with others.

Our decisions impact our health. Where we live, how we live, the company we keep (friends and family), who we speak to and how we speak with them, what we eat, the events we attend, the places we travel to, the people we date and/or have intimate contact with, what we wear, the music we listen to, the books we read, the online content we consume, what we choose to tolerate and/or refuse, and even the type of pet we have. All of these things affect our state of mind and well-being.

Experience has taught me that maintaining positive intentions for both yourself and others, while respecting the choices people make for their own lives, is essential for creating a balanced and fulfilling life of your own.

Regularly assessing your behaviour and making the necessary changes can greatly enhance how you feel each day and, in turn, how you interact with others. We can only thrive to the extent that the life and lifestyle we cultivate allow us to.

Choose better. Do better. Be better.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS

How many times have you heard or read, "it isn't possible for *straight men and straight women to be just friends"? The common belief is that one of them will eventually develop romantic feelings towards the other. Myth or certified fact?

Perhaps the idea that *men and women can't be friends comes from those who have not experienced a platonic connection that has never crossed over into something physical. But then I think, "are some people sexually aroused by everybody they meet?". There's a huge difference, in my opinion, between attraction and physical desire. They are not one and the same, nor does the feeling of one subsequently lead to feeling the other.

Sometime in 2011, I met a *man through a work opportunity. I recall thinking, "okaaaayy, Mr beautiful dark skin" (I have always found dark skinned black/brown men most attractive), but that was it! 

We would go on to produce a super cool project together, alongside several others, and also become close friends. The friendship is kind, considerate, mutually positive, mature, wholesome, there is plenty of banter as well as effective communication, and it is refreshingly honest.

We were both in committed relationships when we met. While those relationships ended, our connection blossomed minus conflict, tension, or romance. Contrary to the untold quotes, reels, memes and many opinions on male and female dynamics, and the suggestion they will eventually sleep together, *this man and I have never been romantically aligned. At the time this post was publishe, we are 14 years deep in a loving, respetful, mature friendship and we have never flirted with each other, there have been zero innuendos shared, no intimate physical contact and most certainly no desire to be more than what we are. Friends.

I remain single and *he is now married. We continue to be have a beautiful friendship although we no longer see each other as often as we use to. The End.

Having a few men in my life that are (and have only ever been) solid friends or like brothers to me is so important. I'm deeply grateful for each of them. 

They teach me, they protect/look out for me, they are kind and patient, they hold me accountable, they show up when they can, they're good at letting me know they value me, they tell me when they miss me, they support me and they're always ready to find solutions not argue. I feel safe with each of them, and that's the icing.

Based on personal experience, straight men and straight women can be friends even if there is an attraction. No blurred lines, no hidden agendas, just friends.

Written by @charleyjaiuk

*My friend, Mr Duval Akonor, consented to this article and photo's being published.