A MERRY SINGLE CHRISTMAS

How the festive holiday unfolds in my home...

My Christmas tree stands proudly in the corner of my apartment—tall but slightly lopsided, and decorated with a mix of ornaments and emotional growth. There is no partner to untangle the lights with or to debate whether “Gremlins” counts as a Christmas movie. (It does. End of discussion. Lol.) Just me, a festive mug of hot chocolate, and the realisation that I enjoy spending the festive holiday solo. I always have...

When you’re single at Christmas, some people tend to treat you like you’ve come down with a mild case of the flu—lots of sympathy, a few awkward looks, and the occasional “You’ll find someone soon.” But here’s what they don’t realise: being single doesn’t mean being lonely. In fact, it is wonderfully peaceful and stress/pressure-free. No in-laws, no compulsory matching pyjamas, and no need to pretend to like your partner’s aunt’s raisin-infested fruitcake.

Instead, I set my own traditions. I watch whatever Christmas movies I want (sometimes all of them), might order a takeaway (or two) on Christmas Eve, and have fun opening presents. Mostly the ones to myself! There’s something deeply satisfying about buying yourself the gifts you actually want (well in advance so you have a chance to forget what you bought) and then being genuinely excited to open them.

Of course, there are moments when the absence of physical presence hits. When you scroll through endless couple/family photos (shared to Instagram) of them in matching sweaters and wonder if you’re missing something. But that’s when I remind myself: love isn’t seasonal; it isn’t limited to romance (and not everything we see online is an authentic representation of what is happening in real life). I’ve learned to pour that energy back into myself—long walks, spontaneous trips, solo dates, and cosy nights with no one to impress or 'perform' for. I maintain my standards and keep up appearances for myself not for anybody else.

This Christmas, I am reminded that independence can sparkle just as brightly as tinsel. Self-respect looks good under fairy lights and joy—real, grounded joy—comes from knowing that my happiness isn’t on layaway until someone else shows up. I choose to be happy daily (even on the heavy days).

So here’s to another Merry, Single Christmas. Not the kind filled with loneliness, but the kind filled with joy, special hot drinks, a little food indulgence, my favourite festive movies and the quiet confidence of a woman who has learned that she has always been enough.

Merry Christmas, and God bless.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

LOVED BUT CHEATED ON

I was inspired to write this article since hearing countless stories — mostly from women — and devastating experiences of my own that I have long overcome.


Beautiful faces are everywhere; beautiful hearts are rare. You can love someone and still cheat, because lust and excitement often override loyalty. People will leave real love for something fleeting, only to be left with ashes.

I was 23 — independent, determined, quietly sad yet thriving in my job. He was 19 — ambitious, charming, affectionate, and family-oriented. We met at my then workplace and were instantly drawn to each other. After exchanging numbers, we became inseparable and quickly moved in together. Life felt effortless: shared chores, constant laughter, aligned values. I was truly happy and, for the first (and last) time in my life, I considered having children (which says everything!).

I’d previously sworn off men after an abusive relationship, but with Age 19 I felt safe again — until, one year in, things changed. He became distant, secretive, more influenced by his friends, and openly welcomed innapropriate behaviour from/with other girls. Eventually, he cheated with someone he had no intention of committing to — it was simply an easy escape from facing me to end our three year relationship respectfully, at which point I was 26 and he was 22.

There had been arguments, sure, but nothing that justified betrayal. The girl he cheated with pursued him purely because she could, and he followed the crowd instead of his conscience. Weakness is dangerous — in men, women, everyone. Strong people resist temptation; weak people crumble to it.

Despite everything, I handled his betrayal with more strength than I’d had in the past. I loved this boy deeply and his character gave no indication that he would ever do such a thing. I was beyond angry and conflicted between the hurt and love but, after much back and forth, arguments, etc., I said what I needed to say (albeit not pleasant to deliver, nor for him to hear/receive) and walked away. He wasn’t a bad person, just young, inexperienced and easily influenced; however he left me utterly broken! My health suffered, I withdrew from life, and rebuilding myself took some time.

Four years later, my next relationship lasted five years but lacked emotional depth. He had insecurities he refused to face which subsequently caused him to allow his ex to disrupt our relationship but for her own selfish reasons - he later learned that she didn't want him, she used him to make another man jealous. WILD! 

I had warned him, suspecting that she wasn't being genuine. Woman to woman, we always know; we can see/sense what men don't. But, he chose to follow the beat of his penis instead of the beat of his heart. How do you tell someone, "I love you but I think I want to be with someone else?". Someone you don't love! Lust is something else!! So too is plain foolishness! Ultimately, he did me a favour.

I forgave him and let it go with the end of the relationship. Forgiveness comes easily to me, but forgiving myself took longer. I began to realise that I had been ignoring my instincts because I didn’t know my worth — a wound left by the abusive ex. I held on to 'relationships' (including certain 'friendships') already in the bin because I wanted forever. 

Age 19 did love me, but love isn’t enough without maturity, effective communication, and honesty. Cheating destroys the foundation — once you take your body to the community, respect and trust are gone!! The devastated partner can get over the disrespect but trusting you again is unlikely.

Even now, after more disappointing experiences, that particular relationship stays with me. I haven’t loved anyone the same way since, and I haven’t felt as safe or desired as I did with/by him at the start. I’ve been single for many years now and, honestly, I feel done with men (romantically). Their mere existence can feel like a threat, and dating today is just disappointment after disappointment! Most men I've met in recent years have either been taken, confused, not truly happy with themselves so out in the streets causing mayhem and knowingly breaking hearts, or they are emotionally unavailable, or simply not grown enough to match/align with the life I’ve built.

If you haven't previously done so, once you hit age 30, you must take responsibility for who you are and what you bring into someone else’s life. Don’t destroy people because you refuse to sort out your insecurities. Don’t lie your way into comfort and call it love while also wearing a mask to hide your 'ugly' truth.

If you cannot sit confidently and have an honest conversation about who you truly are, you’re not ready for romance, SEX, or even true friendship. Stay single and celibate until you fix the broken parts of yourself. People deserve to know your truth before they give you their energy, heart and body!!!

No more games after 30. Hurt people hurt people, but healed people can heal. Stop dragging chaos into someone's life because you’re afraid to confront your issues. We all know what being loyal looks like; stop pretending you don’t! - FYI: It isn't limited to not having sex outside of your relationship. 

Work on yourself; learn self-love and responsibility so you can live authentically and take accountability for when your choices/behaviour impacts others. Without that, you’re only going to end up repeatedly hurting people.

I said what I said.

Written by Charley Jai - @charleyjaiuk

(Age 45 at the time this article was published)

CONSCIOUS NOT HEALTHY

As a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know that being diagnosed with fibroids many years ago prompted me to take a long, hard look at my life and make some major changes.

After researching the condition, countless conversations with consultants, numerous scans, and serious consideration of surgical options, I decided to pursue a more holistic path — though I remain on the NHS waiting list for yet another opinion.

It may sound cliché, but incorporating daily exercise and mindful eating has genuinely improved my quality of life, even while the benign tumours continue to make their presence known in my abdomen.

I don’t diet. I don’t weigh myself (in fact, I don’t even own a set of scales), and I wouldn’t claim to be a model of perfect nutrition. Instead, I focus on making better choices — avoiding foods and drinks that trigger pain or inflammation (as much as humanly possible, lol) and committing to daily movement. High levels of stress was also a contributing factor! My routine includes weight training, bodyweight workouts, stretching, and walking. Although I’ve gone down a dress size (which was never the goal), I feel stronger, fitter, and more at ease in my body.

My aim was simple: to improve mobility and to free myself from the excruciating pain. Thank God, I have achieved that.

There’s endless advice out there on how to live well, eat better, or choose the “right” exercise. But honestly, I think it all comes down to listening to your body. I started by paying close attention to how different foods affected my gut (and my mind). Combined with what I learned about fibroids, this awareness helped me identify and remove the things that weren’t serving me. Pairing these changes with regular exercise has made a world of difference. No gym membership, no personal trainer — those didn’t work for me — just a solid commitment to myself and a strong determination to live better than before.

It hasn't been easy (I still battle the occasional mobility challenge and issues with inflammation) however, I am motivated by a desire to maintain what I have achieved for myself. I’m no longer suffering from/with fibroids; I’m fighting them — and most days, I win!

I hope this article inspires you to make the necessary changes you have perhaps been avoiding, especially if you’re navigating something similar.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

DON'T HURT YOUR NEIGHBOUR

Many of the struggles we face with others aren’t actually about us, even though it can feel that way when their negative behavior impacts us or seems aimed at us...

Between February 2007 and April 2022, I had some of the most difficult and disruptive neighbours!

I lived on the first floor of a two-story building with seven flats. Mine was at the far right corner, at the top of the stairs. The location gave it a cozy, safe feel. For about three weeks after I moved in, everything was peaceful then the chaos began.

The flat next door seemed to be a revolving door for people in difficult situations. One tenant had a dog and would place food on the landing for it to eat—no bowl, just food on the concrete floor. This led to a terrible smell and an infestation of insects (thankfully, they stayed outside). Another person who lived in that flat was a young man who, unfortunately, had mental health challenges. He would often scream for hours or bang his head against the front door. I couldn’t help but think, “He really shouldn’t be living alone.”

Next to the revolving-door flat was a man struggling with drug addiction. His downward spiral began after he lost custody of his children and was denied supervised visits. Unable to handle the separation, he started inviting strangers—people with easy access to drugs and alcohol—into his flat, where they’d hang out, drink, and indulge in all kinds of bad behavior, day and night. There were so many arguments, fights, smashed bottles found on the landing, and often the loudest music you could imagine! He once accepted a delivery for me (despite my instructions stating that no parcels can be left with any of the neighbours) but denied that he had. He later came clean with an apology. I wasn't angry, I just felt sad for him.

To the left of this guy was a short, middle-aged man who lived alone and had beady eyes that would watch me/stare whenever I was outside, e.g. when I was cleaning my windows. He did the same to an elder woman who lived next door to him. He’d watch us coming and going, and sometimes even follow us (separately) around the neighborhood. Eventually, I had enough and confronted him in the most calm but stern voice I could manage. I made it clear that I wasn’t the person to mess with and, if he didn’t stop his odd behavior, I’d film him and report him to the police. After that, he seemed to settle for just watching us from his windows, which was still unsettling but at least less intrusive.

The elder woman was quiet, always smiling when we crossed paths, and we’d chat about her frustrations with the other neighbors (she and I still occasionally cross paths and have a catch up). One neighbour in particular, another man (who used a walking stick) living to her left, was considered to be a 'pimp' and 'drug dealer'. Girls, some looking as young as 15 and others in their twenties, were frequently coming and going from his place. He also had other regular visitors—middle-aged men and women. Then, a woman who appeared to be around 80 years old (though she claimed to be in her late 40s, which could have been true with heavy drug and alcohol use the reason for premature aging) moved in and things quickly went downhill. She and the 'pimp' would have explosive arguments on the landing, sometimes violent - she’d grab things, like chairs, to hit him with. He’d defend himself with his walking stick however he always came off worse. 

I once found the 'pimp' unconscious on the landing outside the revolving-door flat. He wasn’t breathing. Without thinking, I quickly took a photo (not sure why I did that), which I still have, then called the police. It turned out he had just passed out. Several months later, I was stunned to find blood spats on the stairs one day as I was heading out. There were also two used condoms. I knocked on the door of the downstairs flat to check if they knew what had occurred. The person who came to the door told me that two young girls had been 'attacked'. This person claimed the girls were found huddled together (a few days prior), quietly crying. When asked, “What’s wrong, girls?”, they told of the 'attack'. Apparently, they also admitted they didn’t want to report it because they were scared of getting into trouble for their own drug use. I cannot articulate the feelings I held for a long time after learning of this... I never learned if the story was entirely true, who the girls were, etc. I was never afraid nor worried, just angry that (if true) the vile humans responsible had likely got away with hurting those young girls!

I’ll spare you the full details about the guy who lived below me in a modified flat. However, his shower made a thunderous chugging sound—only way I can describe it—that he’d use every few hours, day and night! It was absolutely WILD. I later found out through the council that his bathroom had been redesigned. Although they knew the job had been done poorly, they told me "no further repairs would be made." I was sleep deprived and without any relief for three and half years!

I filed countless complaints with the council, but they fell on deaf ears. Staff came and went, a noise recording machine was 'installed', I submitted evidence, exchanged countless emails, and was constantly told, "Nothing can be done," or that I "should consider moving to a different borough." As if difficult people aren't everywhere and to find a (new) home is easy—ridiculous, right? "No!" I thought, refusing to back down. "I like where I live, but not how I’m living. The council has a duty of care, and I will keep fighting for myself." Eventually, my persistence paid off!

Living at that flat from age 26 to 41 was tough, to say the least, but it’s where I learned so much. It’s also where my resilience really grew, and I started to understand just how important it is to take a breath before reacting to anything. 

In April 2022, I was blessed with a new home. It needed a lot of work, and I didn’t move in until May. It’s a spacious 1-bedroom apartment with its own private steps, and I absolutely love it. I put in a ton of effort to transform it from what looked like an abandoned squat into a comfy, zen-style home for myself. But just two months in, the family of four living above me (in a 1-bedroom!) became a nightmare. Had my previous experience been preparation for this? I was stunned to be going through a similar devastation again. The family stomped around, dropped heavy objects on the floors, slammed their doors and more. I approached them calmly and respectfully at least five times, but it didn’t make a difference. Their flat was cluttered, held a terrible odour, had mould and a lot of damage. I realised their behavior wasn’t about me. They wanted out and had asked for help but were turned away. I began recording their constant noise disturbance and reported them. After two years of my persistent complaints, they were finally moved out. Then a young girl moved in and I prayed for her to be a good neighbour! If not, music will be my escape...

Council tenants often get a bad reputation, but the real issue isn’t about the people who live in these properties. It’s more about the neglect from council staff, who too often hide behind policies that seem to prioritize them as landlords rather than ensuring the protection, safety, and proper care of the tenants.

Unfortunately, many people can relate to the housing experiences I’ve shared. There are some truly awful individuals who aim to cause harm, and others whose actions stem from their own struggles. These situations can take a toll on our health, finances, and relationships. However, it’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond. Striving to promote peace within ourselves and our homes can make all the difference. When necessary, gathering evidence and filing a formal complaint with the right people can help not only us but also the troublesome neighbours, leading to a better living environment for everyone.

A little care and consideration, even when you're frustrated by someone else’s bad behavior towards you, can make a big difference—for both them and you. Do what you need to do, within reason, to safeguard yourself and to protect your peace, but never to retaliate.

You shall not take vegeance or bear a grudge, but you shall 

love your neighbour as yourself 

- Leviticus 19:18

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

REFLECTING ON THE TRAGEDY OF JOYCE VINCENT

December 2023, Joyce Carol Vincent was found dead and alone in her West London bedsit flat. She had been dead for over 2 years, her television was still playing and the heating was on. According to research, despite her four older sisters apparently hiring a private investigator to find her with no results, it would be debt and arrears that would inevitably lead to her grim discovery.

Research also gives an account of a vivacious woman with a personality many would gravitate towards. Supposedly at the time of her death she had an on/off boyfriend, associates, and she had occasionally been in contact with former colleagues. 

How is it that a friendly, sociable woman living in a busy part of London can die and remain undiscovered for more than two years? How? Why did it not occur to just one person that something might be seriously wrong? Any search for her, or an attempt to reach her, should have been ongoing in my opinion.

Joyce's story resonated with me due to similarities to my own life. In December 2006, age 26, I was single and living alone in a bedsit. Although I began a new relationship at 31, it did not last. Years later, celebrating my 38th birthday in Marrakech with a childhood friend, I never anticipated returning to the UK and watching that friendship fade, along with others, as I outgrew those going in different directions.

Age 44, single, with a small circle of friends, a new home and thriving in unexpected ways, I read Joyce Vincent's story and wondered, "Could this happen to me?". The answer is yes. It could happen to any of us... Despite numerous ways for people to stay in touch, many only reach out when they need something. How often do you check in on others just to see how they're doing, rather than out of necessity? We can become so absorbed in our own lives that we forget to check on those around us.

I think some people see me as a well-connected woman with plenty of social options, therefore assuming I’m always okay and don’t need anyone to check in. That mindset is why I, or anybody for that matter, could easily become a modern-day Joyce Vincent. I'm thankful for the close friends who do communicate regularly to make sure everything with me is okay, and vice-versa.

You cannot control whether someone does or doesn't love you, nor their capacity to show that love. However, you can express your needs honestly. Even after those conversations, though, change can't be forced. Unfortunately, any of us - especially those who are alone - could pass away without anyone noticing and that is a deeply sad reality.

Make it a priority to routinely and meaningfully connect with the people you truly care about. You can't give someone their "flowers" once they're gone! Equally, ensure you have boundaries in place to protect yourself from those who cause you harm without shutting out the ones with whom you have a beautiful connection and bond.

I first learned about Joyce Carol Vincent some years ago. I had read: She was an effervescent force of nature - but no one knew her. None of the many men in her life knew she had died. One friend said: "She died of neglect. We all loved her, but not enough to stop her dying."

That may be the most unsettling part of her story. It isn't simply about loneliness. It's about how someone can appear socially successful - attractive, charismatic, invited to parties, in relationships - and yet have no single person who notices when they stop answering the phone. It's a stark reminder that the quantity of relationships and the depth of relationships are very different things.

I will never understand how somebody's absence can go unnoticed. Never.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

PRIORITISE YOURSELF AND FIND PEACE

With the aim of living a happy and peaceful life, I now prefer to keep to myself. There are too many people with hidden agendas, questionable motives, and behaviours that make it difficult to trust their intentions or believe they're genuinely in my life for wholesome reasons.

Although some believe being alone automatically equals loneliness, I've found the opposite to be true for me. Throughout my teens and into my early thirties, I often felt lonely, overlooked, excluded and uneasy, despite being surrounded by 'friends' and people. In reality, it was noise, chaos, repeated let-downs, deliberate conflict, obligations born from misplaced loyalties, and holes in my pockets. Not exactly a recipe for peace.

Walking away from people whose behaviour is narcissistic and harmful has been incredibly empowering. Likewise, by choosing to decline work that I know would drain me mentally and emotionally, regardless of the pay, I've nurtured a much calmer nervous system. Now that I'm in my 40s, I feel more content, healthier, and far more aligned with myself. And choosing to remain single and abstinent, while focusing on self-love, personal development and my career goals, has also allowed me to strengthen my relationship with myself and reassess the boundaries I set with others.

Our decisions impact our health. Where we live, how we live, the company we keep (friends and family), who we speak to and how we speak with them, what we eat, the events we attend, the places we travel to, the people we date and/or have intimate contact with, what we wear, the music we listen to, the books we read, the online content we consume, what we choose to tolerate and/or refuse, and even the type of pet we have. All of these things affect our state of mind and well-being.

Experience has taught me that maintaining positive intentions for both yourself and others, while respecting the choices people make for their own lives, is essential for creating a balanced and fulfilling life of your own.

Regularly assessing your behaviour and making the necessary changes can greatly enhance how you feel each day and, in turn, how you interact with others. We can only thrive to the extent that the life and lifestyle we cultivate allow us to.

Choose better. Do better. Be better.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS

How many times have you heard or read, "it isn't possible for *straight men and straight women to be just friends"? The common belief is that one of them will eventually develop romantic feelings towards the other. Myth or certified fact?

Perhaps the idea that *men and women can't be friends comes from those who have not experienced a platonic connection that has never crossed over into something physical. But then I think, "are some people sexually aroused by everybody they meet?". There's a huge difference, in my opinion, between attraction and physical desire. They are not one and the same, nor does the feeling of one subsequently lead to feeling the other.

Sometime in 2011, I met a *man through a work opportunity. I recall thinking, "okaaaayy, Mr beautiful dark skin" (I have always found dark skinned black/brown men most attractive), but that was it! 

We would go on to produce a super cool project together, alongside several others, and also become close friends. The friendship is kind, considerate, mutually positive, mature, wholesome, there is plenty of banter as well as effective communication, and it is refreshingly honest.

We were both in committed relationships when we met. While those relationships ended, our connection blossomed minus conflict, tension, or romance. Contrary to the untold quotes, reels, memes and many opinions on male and female dynamics, and the suggestion they will eventually sleep together, *this man and I have never been romantically aligned. At the time this post was publishe, we are 14 years deep in a loving, respetful, mature friendship and we have never flirted with each other, there have been zero innuendos shared, no intimate physical contact and most certainly no desire to be more than what we are. Friends.

I remain single and *he is now married. We continue to be have a beautiful friendship although we no longer see each other as often as we use to. The End.

Having a few men in my life that are (and have only ever been) solid friends or like brothers to me is so important. I'm deeply grateful for each of them. 

They teach me, they protect/look out for me, they are kind and patient, they hold me accountable, they show up when they can, they're good at letting me know they value me, they tell me when they miss me, they support me and they're always ready to find solutions not argue. I feel safe with each of them, and that's the icing.

Based on personal experience, straight men and straight women can be friends even if there is an attraction. No blurred lines, no hidden agendas, just friends.

Written by @charleyjaiuk

*My friend, Mr Duval Akonor, consented to this article and photo's being published.