UGLY DUCKLING

It's both surprising and reassuring to discover, while reading the comments under certain Instagram posts, that you're not alone in your struggles—whether it's your experiences, thoughts, aspirations, challenges with friendships, relationship issues, or everything that happens in between and around those parts of life.

I find myself struggling to make sense of the times we're living in. While there are undoubtedly some incredible advancements, it's hard to ignore the troubling shifts that seem to be steering us toward an uncertain and possibly dangerous path. The direction the world is heading in feels increasingly frustrating and, at times, overwhelming. I worry deeply about what the future holds for children and younger generations.

I've been thinking about The Handmaid's Tale, Black Mirror, Time Cut, and similar projects. Are these simply the products of extraordinary imagination, or are they subtle warnings—a glimpse into a future that may not be as far-fetched as we once thought?

My generation [I was born 1980] grew up as the encyclopedia kids. We’d head to the library to borrow books, made phone calls on corded landline phones and many of us grew up on black-and-white television with just four channels—eagerly awaiting the much-anticipated launch of a fifth. To stay informed about our community, we relied on local newspapers. Sundays were especially quiet—hardly anyone on the streets unless they were going to and from church, or doing a food shop!

A lot of us would play outside on the weekends, or in our bedrooms buried in toys—Polly Pocket, Gameboy and Action Figures, for example. Returning to school was often exciting: catching up with friends, performing at school assemblies, playing double dutch, hopscotch, sharing laughter and playful banter.

Looking back, our childhood in the '80s and youth in the '90s were filled with some of the most beautiful and blessed moments—simple, joyful, somewhat carefree and full of connection.

We dealt with curfews, homework that often felt outrageously unfair (LOL), the drama of 'competing' for the attention of the popular crush, prepping for sports day and making sure we had the latest must-have Caterpillar boots or Dr. Martens. Weekend cinema trips were a treat, and friendship fallouts—usually sparked by gossip that almost never came with proof—were part of the landscape.

We were a generation that lived without mobile phones constantly in hand, free from the pressure to maintain a curated online presence—one that today often chips away at confidence, hope, and self-worth.

Back then, words like “trauma,” “anxiety,” and “woke” weren’t tossed around like custom-made confetti at weddings! Perhaps that's partly because our generation [especially Black and Brown families] was raised with an unspoken rule: what happens at home, stays at home. Did we even know about/understand, trauma, anxiety or realise a need to be 'woke'? In many cases, that rule meant not speaking about family matters with anyone outside the immediate household—including extended family!

This has caused many of us to experience the 'ugly duckling syndrome'—feeling ashamed about normal circumstances that others can relate to, misunderstanding ones place in the world and [in professional settings] being initially dismissed or overlooked; treated as 'less than'. Seen as timid or even difficult, only to later be regarded as someone with a surprising and powerful transformation once you have healed and broken generational patterns.

What might life—both then and now—have looked like if we had all been taught that effective communication is not only valuable but also essential, healing, and empowering? Imagine growing up in environments where parents, guardians, or caregivers encouraged open dialogue about our struggles and emotions. Were parents [back in the day] limited by what they themselves were taught, or were some complacent and dismissive instead of leading inclusive conversations? It's such a shame that in some households [that rule means] feelings and emotions are rarely addressed, let alone explored.

The phrase "be the change you want to see" comes to mind... But, if the majority are content with the status quo, or simply afraid to step away from an unhealthy norm they've become comfortable with, how much real change can occur with only a small number who are willing to lead said change?

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

REFLECTING ON THE TRAGEDY OF JOYCE VINCENT

December 2023, Joyce Carol Vincent was found dead and alone in her West London bedsit flat. She had been dead for over 2 years, her television was still playing and the heating was on. According to research, debt and arrears would inevitably lead to her grim discovery.

Research also gives an account of a vivacious woman with a personality many would gravitate towards. Supposedly at the time of her death she had an on/off boyfriend, living family members [including four sisters], associates, and she had occasionally been in contact with former colleagues. 

How is it that a friendly, sociable woman living in a busy part of London can die and remain undiscovered for more than two years? How?

Joyce's story resonated with me due to similarities to my own life. In December 2003, at age 23, I lived with my then boyfriend. By 26, I was single and living alone in a bedsit. Although I began a new relationship at 31, it did not last. Years later, celebrating my 38th birthday in Marrakech with a childhood friend, I never anticipated returning to the UK and watching that friendship, along with others, fade as I outgrew those going in different directions.

At 44, single again, with a small circle of friends, a new home and thriving in unexpected ways, I read Joyce Vincent's story and wondered, "Could this happen to me?". The answer is yes. It could happen to any of us... Despite numerous ways for people to stay in touch, many only reach out when they need something. How often do you check in on others just to see how they're doing, rather than out of necessity? We can become so absorbed in our own lives that we forget to check on those around us.

I think some people see me as a well-connected woman with plenty of social options, therefore assuming I’m always okay and don’t need anyone to check in. That mindset is why I, or anybody for that matter, could easily become a modern-day Joyce Vincent. I'm thankful for the close friends who do communicate with me regularly to make sure everything with me is okay, and vice-versa.

You cannot control whether someone loves you, or will love you on your terms. However, you can express your needs honestly. Even after those conversations, though, change can't be forced. Unfortunately, any of us—especially those who are alone—could pass away without anyone noticing, and that is a deeply sad reality.

Make it a priority to regularly and meaningfully connect with the people you truly care about. You can't give someone their "flowers" once they're gone! Equally, ensure you have boundaries in place to protect yourself from those who cause you harm without shutting out the ones with whom you have a beautiful connection and bond.

I first learned about Joyce Carol Vincent some years ago. You can learn more here.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

PRIORITISE YOURSELF AND FIND PEACE

With the aim of living a happy and peaceful life, I now prefer to keep to myself because I find safety in my own company. While many people speak convincingly, hidden agendas often emerge later, leaving a devastating impact...

Although some believe being alone automatically equals loneliness, I've found the opposite to be true for me. In my teenage years and extending into my early thirties, I often felt lonely, overlooked, excluded, and uneasy, even though I was surrounded by many 'friends' and people. In reality, it was a lot of noise, chaos, let downs, deliberate conflict, obligations born out of misplaced loyalties and holes in my pockets! All of which resulted in daily battles with anxiety.

It's incredibly empowering to walk away from those whose behavior is narcissistic and harmful! Also, by choosing to decline work I feel would drain me both mentally and emotionally, regardless of the pay, I’ve nurtured a much calmer nervous system. Now that I'm in my 40s, I feel more content, healthier and in better alignment with myself. Furthermore, choosing to stay abstinent and single, while focusing on self-love, personal development, and my career goals, allowed me to strengthen my bond with myself and reevaluate my boundaries with others.

Our decisions impact our health. Where we live, how we are living, the company we keep (friends and family), who we speak to and how we speak with them, what we eat, the events we attend, the places we travel to, the people we date and/or have intimate contact with... What we wear, the music we listen to, the books we read, the online content we consume, what we choose to tolerate and/or refuse, even the type of pet we have, affects our state of mind and well-being. Experience has taught me that maintaining positive intentions for both yourself and others, while respecting the choices others make for their own lives, is essential for creating a balanced and fulfilling life of your own.

Regularly assessing your behaviour and making the necessary changes can greatly enhance how you feel each day and subsequently how you interact with others. We can only thrive as much as the life and lifestyle we cultivate.

Choose and do better so you can be better.

Written by Charley - @charleyjaiuk

All details and information correct and up to date at the time of publishing.

MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS

How many times have you heard or read, "it isn't possible for *straight men and straight women to be just friends"?. The common belief is that one of them will eventually develop romantic feelings towards the other. Myth or certified fact?

Perhaps the idea that *men and women can't be friends comes from those who have not experienced a platonic connection that has never crossed over into something physical. But then I think, "are some people sexually aroused by everybody they meet?". There's a huge difference, in my opinion, between attraction and physical desire. They are not one and the same, nor does the feeling of one subsequently lead to feeling the other.

Sometime in 2011, I met a *man through a work opportunity. I recall thinking, "okaaaayy, Mr beautiful dark skin" (I have always found dark skinned black/brown men most attractive), but that was it! 

We would go on to produce a super cool project together, alongside several others, and also become close friends. The friendship is kind, considerate, mutually positive, mature, wholesome, there is plenty of banter as well as effective communication, and it is refreshingly honest.

We were both in committed relationships when we met. While those relationships ended, our connection blossomed minus conflict, tension, or romance. Contrary to the untold quotes, reels, memes and many opinions on male and female dynamics and the suggestion they will eventually sleep together, this man and I have never been romantically aligned. It has been 14 years and we have not once flirted with each other, there have been zero innuendos shared, no intimate physical contact and most certainly no desire to be more than what we are. Friends.

I remain single and **he is now married. We are still great friends and our interactions and communication, albeit much less, continues to be what they have always been - respectful and supportive. The End.

Having a few *men in my life that are (and have only ever been) solid friends or like brothers to me is so important. I'm deeply grateful for each of them. 

They teach me, they protect/look out for me, they are kind and patient, they hold me accountable, they show up when they can, they're good at letting me know they value me, they tell me when they miss me, they support me and they're always ready to find solutions not argue. I feel safe with each of them, and that's the icing.

Based on personal experience, straight men and straight women can be friends even if there is an attraction. No blurred lines, no hidden agendas, just friends.

Written by @charleyjaiuk

**Duval Akonor consented to this article being published.

WHY EMPATHY IS IMPORTANT

Something they did, or said, perhaps an ongoing behaviour, or a u-turn on a mutual agreement, has caused tension to brew between the two of you, and your immediate reaction/response is defensive because you take their actions personally.

But, here's the thing...

You understand the challenges and obstacles you've faced in your own life so, why, if a loved one unexpectedly starts behaving differently, would you not take a moment to consider that they might be going through something difficult that they're struggling to navigate and express? Why isn’t empathy your first response, instead of interpreting their shift as a personal 'attack' on you and your relationship with them? Unless there is a clear and obvious reason for that interpretation...

Reflect on when and how you met that person. What were your circumstances at the time and what was the situation that led to you meeting each other? During the course of the friendship, were things always 50/50 or did you pour in more? How often were you there for each other? Are you realising that the friendship was one-sided, or have you concluded that (due to what you or they were going through when you met) one of you needed what the other was bringing and now you've outgrown the friendship? Even if what you have done to your friend, or what they did to you, is wrong, maybe it will serve you both to simply think about and acknowledge the lessons to be learned and then move forward without any conflict. Arguments bring chaos, things said that we often then regret, headaches, insecurities and more arguments!

"Life is short"—how many times have we heard or said that? Let it be your reminder to show your friend (and yourself) a little empathy.  Afford them some grace, allow yourselves the space to process things so you can move on from the upset in a positive way and let go if that’s what feels right.

It’s always tough when connections end, especially after years of love, care, and shared memories. Then you perhaps enter a phase where it feels like the other person’s actions suggest they might’ve been using you all along, more so if they easily walk away. But that’s where empathy comes in. Your peace of mind and keeping an honest heart matters most. Share your thoughts/feelings with the friend respectfully and invite them to do the same. If they don't, that's forever on them. Eventually, you both have to process the choices you made throughout the friendship. Your priority should be focusing on yourself and your needs moving forward. Life’s too short to settle for anything less when it comes to your well-being.

Regardless, be of the mindset that empathy is important and it starts with you.

Written by @charleyjaiuk

An inspired post albeit motivated by personal experiences.