Saturday, 7 February 2015

MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO CHILL!

Okay… So, we women, yes (it seems) all of us, have way too many issues. Some of those issues/problems are through no fault of our own (circumstances, ill treatment from others, media brainwashing and the alike) however, there are a number of things women do; a type of behaviour demonstrated that is defo down to ourselves and it is about time we took responsibility!



Too quick to judge a man for whatever his shortcomings may be, a lot of us women very rarely seem to check ourselves, pointing out our own faults and thereafter seeking ways we can improve before giving such an order to men. Now, I am not just speaking about the above in relation to heterosexual couples although I will speak from that perspective... This applies to all women - mothers of males, sisters with brothers, aunts etc… Women are not superior, we are not controllers, we are not necessarily smarter or more mature and we do not have the right to laud such over men (and vice versa).

Regardless of your age, where you are on your life map, what you have or haven't achieved, it is not the business of any woman to dictate to a man, to tell a man over and over again where and how he is failing. If your partner does not stop doing the things that upset you and/or lets you down why do you stay when (no doubt for long enough) he has shown you that he will not change, love or no love? I’d say the fault is yours not his. He knows he is stubborn and so do you. You might have felt that you've made the necessary changes on a personal level over time (which he may acknowledge) but, if you both agree (or you quite evidently see) that he remains unwilling to try or do the same to keep you, you should walk leaving him available for whichever woman can accept the things you can't. Are you aware of just how much another man; The Right man, will value and respect you? Do you know your worth? Get to know!!

See, here’s the thing: If women would give men more breathing space and men were more attentive, a lot of the issues (mainly trust) would cease. Real talk!! Think about it… Men and women usually say and do what they THINK the other wants. Rarely are the relevant questions asked with the necessary conversations being had (at the very beginning) and so, as time goes on and personality traits become apparent, certain behaviour patterns emerge which cause confusion, arguments, refusal to then be questioned, distance, infidelity and then the inevitable separation. Generally speaking, a lot of the time, this is the case for those who (on 'paper') are “meant to be”.

Obviously I write from experience both personal and that which I have been exposed to. I'm not about to embarrass friends who have confided in me about their relationship problems, or someone I have dated or am currently dating however, I will say this:

If your partner will not acknowledge their part in the breakdown of the relationship (usually because they are stubborn and/or have issues that they've not shared with you), instead of calling them out on absolutely everything they do wrong, all the time, accept that, because of this, it is unlikely the relationship will improve and then decide what to do with that acceptance. Ever heard of 50/50, meeting each other halfway? Surely it’s not that hard to give the respect you want in return… I mean, that’s how it works. We all know this, right? If you are not respected and do not trust them I cannot understand why you stay...

Within relationships there should not be a tit for tat thing, some sort of one-up-on-you game that is played, and where that is the case it is a sure thing that it will not work out. If a woman expects to be listened to why does she then find it difficult to listen? I, myself, have been so guilty of this!! Sometimes I still am and it is not okay on any level… If a man knows that he would hate to discover his woman has been flirting, sexting or cheating why does he not know that she will feel the same should he do that to her? Rocket science it isn't yet so many of us fail so terribly at relationships. Bottom line: If you know you would not want them to do it to you….

So, what do we do when we first get into a new relationship to ensure it will work, or how do we go right when we have gone wrong with it? I think it is so simple that it is beyond embarrassing when I think about it considering how badly I've done in relationships myself!!! (Cannot believe I just put that out there… It's real talk though….)

I think both individuals must play by the same key rules; the things that you want are what you must also give! That’s it! Be honest, explain your actions and choices, answer the questions posed (nothing to lose if you have nothing to hide), allow yourself to be held to account whenever you mess up, accept responsibility for any problems you cause, try and adapt, stop being fearful, do not treat the next as though they are the last (no two people are the same). Support one another wholeheartedly, remember that tomorrow could be too late and so live for today. Always, always keep the lines of (effective) communication open and keep dating each other! Be a unit, a team that nobody can come between, take time to understand one another, pay attention, do not blame one another for your insecurities, hear each other and listen to what is being said, don't assume, praise where it’s due, appreciate the differences, celebrate the similarities, forgive their past and if the past has any uncomfortable place in the present perhaps try to bring it to a place where it does not and will not affect your future together.

Am I an expert? Hardly! LMAO!!! However, I do know for sure that, if what you're doing isn't working you should try the opposite, or something else, (within reason) and see where that gets you. All we can ever do with anything is try however, we have to know when it’s time to let go. Not every relationship you will have is one you should commit to with or without its problems.

Women, we are not always right! We cannot change a man and if we want to we shouldn't be with him because, when we met him and took him on, in doing so, we agreed to let him be himself!! We must not think we can call the shots and give instructions; we do not have the right to shut down a man and leave him without room to breathe, speak, or be the one to make a decision about the relationship. Ladies, putting him down does not keep him at home and pointing out all that you think (because, he will never agree) is wrong with him might just push him in the very direction you believe your (failing) efforts are preventing him from going. The bed of another woman, real talk!

Men, to you, I must say this: get off the high horse you chose to put yourself on! You're not always right simply because you disagree with what your partner says, thinks or feels! No you cannot do as you want when you have chosen to be in a relationship, yes you must consider the feelings of your other half before making certain decisions and it is essential that you BE AFFECTIONATE and not only when it suits you, or when you want the two of you to make love/have sex! Show a bit of sensitivity, send her a sweet text each morning or before bed (even if you live together because, it’s such a lovely thing to do and will mean so much more to her than something like taking out the bins or washing the dishes). Be her number one supporter – be that through sharing her projects via social media, attending her work functions, family events or by championing her efforts to change her body shape, change her hairstyle, or being a great mum and partner etc. Be with her and about her!!! It is a lie that you men have been sold (by whoever) for so many years that tells you women want a macho, egotistical, selfish, nonchalant, shady, bad-boy too secretive for his own good type! No! Women would rather the complete opposite and while she might afford you that stereotypical behaviour “on road”, behind closed doors she will defo appreciate you showing her your softer, compassionate and loving side. That is what will score you points not ignorance, a my-way-only attitude and mahoosive muscle arms so big you cannot drop them by your side! Real talk!! 



Again, I am no expert but, I have learned a lot over the years about myself as a woman, as a partner, friend, sibling etc and, although I am still learning (willingly), I know better than I did so I try my very best to apply myself the way I ought to instead of the way I would prefer to, or believe to be right based on the occasional muchness swirling around in my head! We all need to do more of what we know is right not what we want, especially if we are not seeing the results we seek, or if doing what we want is hurting those we claim to love! This is where you need to park your ego/pride for a minute… Is it not the way of a loving heart that it will want to do right by its loved ones? If what you are doing is hurting them, YOU are the one who needs to fall back! Get a grip and check yourself! Either improve your ways or let them go so they can be with someone who will treat them better; someone who is clued up and will commit the Right way...

Do yourself and your prospective partner a favour by knowing what you want before you step out on the dating scene and when you meet, make sure you take the time to go on many CONVERSATIONAL
dates with one another to see whether or not the two of you are compatible; if they meet your key requirements - have THE ALL 
IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS FIRST! Bedroom antics can happen later when you know it’s worth getting attached/connected in that way. Without a doubt, feelings change after two people have slept together. While some can remain detached and see it as nothing more than sex, there are those who view intimacy as a bonding experience; a way of connecting on a deeper level and so, for them, naturally they may start to want more – commitment. Dating can save a lot of heartache and the sharp, shooting pain one can get across the forehead as a result of severe frustration!! Make decisions based on intellect not your anatomy!!! Date and talk for several weeks, or even a couple of months before you exchange bodily fluids ;)

Here’s to all couples, families and friendships around the world. May you afford one another the same respect you would like to receive and in doing so go the distance. Love is so, so amazing. I feel great when I know someone cares about me or loves me and it also gives me joy to be capable of loving others. We need to learn how to keep a hold of it because, it is so important. 


Ps. there is nobody that can or will ever be perfect so, allow your prospective life partner some flaws and CHILL! Give the relationship time to grow as well as yourself within the new union. Work together to find both harmony and balance with your careers, the relationship, your families, friends and hobbies. For as long as there is love between the two of you there is every reason to try!

HAPPY LOVING ;)


All images taken from google