Tuesday, 10 June 2014

THE SINGLE PERSON’S ‘Good Relationship Guide’

How or why is it that so many singletons feel they can best advise those in a relationship? Is it because:
a) They are experts through experience who have yet to meet The One?
b) Their failed relationships have them reluctant to try again but, they want others to find love?
c) The standards they have make it challenging for them to find a match but great at advising others?

Here’s the thing: It’s probably all of the above and so much more! We each know what we want, like, enjoy and equally what we do not want, dislike and absolutely loathe. However, when we are the outsider looking in it’s always far easier to asses a situation with an open mind and use logic in deciding how best to tackle it. When the issue is ours to resolve it can be far more difficult to remove the ill feelings associated and so decisions are often made through irrational thinking which mainly stems from anger or frustration.

To be successful does not have one definition. How can it when there are so many of us in the world each with our own ideas and understanding of what we feel or believe success to be; especially where love is concerned?

Being single is great until it isn’t. Don’t front and tell me different…. *rolls eyes* I would not believe anyone who told me that they have been happily single for years because, it is natural to gravitate towards one another. We instinctively find certain people attractive (in some form or other) and in choosing to make a connection with those individuals, organically, feelings will develop – be that in favour or not. But, what is the fundamental difference between the couples who are able to go the distance and those who ‘flop’ within 3 months or 3 years, or even 13? 

Personally, (no, I’m not an expert but) I think it all comes down to 5 key things which I myself try to employ:
1) Consistency – to become complacent is to become disconnected. Maintain the investment (I'm talking about the efforts made to get and secure your partner) that you contributed at the start / the early days to keep both yourself and your partner on your toes.
2) Communication – done effectively you are less likely to go wrong and will always know where you stand with one another plus, you’ll also not have to question trust!
3) COMPROMISE with Understanding – learning the ways of your partner; allowing space for them to be their true self around you and giving them room to grow is beneficial to you both. There's nothing worse than the person you have chosen to commit to, warts and all, trying to change you! The difference between wanting to help someone improve and seeking to rid them of what makes them who they are is mahoosive!! REAL TALK!
4) Acceptance (within reason) - the differences between the two of you should be celebrated, appreciated and respected. After all, apparently, opposites attract ;)

5) Loyalty – this goes beyond a physical commitment; it’s about mutual honesty and making the choice to abstain from doing all things which you know you yourself would regard as being disloyal if your partner were to do the same, such as speaking to or seeing ex partners, overly flirtatious behaviour with others, even dressing inappropriately to give off certain signals etc.

In the past I’ve listened to some friends complain that their partners don’t do what they’re supposed to do or, that they were fed up of being the one making the relationship work and on one too many occasions I would hear the classic, “If they don’t make the changes I have told them to I’m done”… I myself have been guilty of such. At what point do we learn from our mistakes and go forward applying the lessons learned? The years are not slowing down…

I guess, in conclusion, what works for one couple may not work for another and so, at the end of the day, it really is a case of: each to their own. So we feel, so we do and so we do is what will be. That said, if your love for someone is so deep that they sit on each one of your nerves (you know when someone presses every button – good and bad? – except where the bad outweighs the good, of course) perhaps you are indeed meant to be with them however, it might be you who needs to reflect, reassess and work on improving certain things about yourself!

Surely we all want a real, long term, genuine, passionate, respectful, trustworthy, fun, exciting, happy relationship and, I think, when you’re single you sometimes project that through giving couples the advise you hope to be able to practice yourself (when you feel you have finally met The One) having become a better person and that is perhaps why singletons give the "best" advice ;)